It's all about T

20 years - wow

2012-01-11T04:41:00.002+11:00

20 years ago on our wedding program we had the phrase

Today I will marry my friend...

the one I laugh with,

live for,

dream with,

love"

and 20 years later not much has changed in that regard. In so many others everything has changed. In our 20 years of marriage we have been through many hard times, more than your normal couple and some we wished no one ever had to face. The road hasn't always been easy but the one thing we have done is work - bloody hard work at times but we have worked on our marriage.

I remember them teaching us in our pre-marriage classes that love is a choice. That it's not a choice you make only once but that you make that choice daily, you decide daily that you love your spouse and want to be with them. In the shining eyes of a 19 year old I didn't really understand it and felt in was a nonsensical idea... Now I understand perfectly what they mean.

I'm not out to pick on anyone else's decisions, I can only speak from my experience and mine has taught me that to continue choosing love you have to work hard at it. The 19 year old wouldn't have wanted to know that, love was just roses, passion and sunshine. I even thought that if you had to work at it then it wasn't worth having. :) I can shake my head now and think silly girl. I guess the reality was we both just had to grow up and in growing we learnt to weather the storms together.

I am a romantic at heart and do believe in soul mates. What I didn't know before was that finding that person that you knew was the one didn't mean there would be no angst, no disagreements and that at times it would be hard to choose to love them.

I have to say whether it sounds conceited or not, I'm proud of us. I am proud to have been married 20 years. Proud that we have worked through the obstacles that a young marriage brings, through the tough times that an unwell spouse adds pressure to a marriage, through having a baby at a relatively young age under frightening circumstances. I am proud that we continue to work through losing Grace and having our dreams taken from us. I am proud of us.

I look at our wedding photos and videos and think that couple were so innocent, so young, so in love and so innocent. How very lucky were we to have had that.

We're not perfect, far from it. We still have tiffs, share different views but we are continually growing and learning from each other and maybe that's what makes it work for us.

I love my husband with all my heart and look forward to the next 20 years xx

Myths on the death of a child-very well written

2012-01-09T07:49:00.000+11:00

Myths on the death of a child-very well written

I added this post back in 2007 but think it's time to repost it..

These are myths bereaved parents hear every day, I found this article to be so true I had to share.

The younger the baby/child, the less your pain will be

Truth: It may be true that society grants us less of a right to grieve for infants and stillborn babies, however, the truth is that the love of a parent is not contingent upon the amount of time we had with our child. Love simply cannot be measured in time. Some may try to "pro-rate" our grief. That is, if a ten-year-old dies, it is worth "x" amount of pain... if a one year old dies, it is worth "y" amount of pain... if a one day old dies, that is worth only "z" amount of pain. It seems ridiculous to bereaved parents. Consider this... Would it be easier to bury your child when you did or would it be easier to bury them one year later? It is an impossible question to answer. There is no easier time, no lesser pain. It is horrible whenever it happens.

It has been six months you should be over this

Truth: The truth is, you will never "be over" this pain. The pain never completely leaves. We will grieve our entire lifetime for the child we should have with us. When others think we should have gotten over it by now, they are confusing the significance of the death of a child with an event of much lesser significance. You get over the loss of a job, a broken bone or a friendship gone awry. The death of a child, at any age and from any circumstance, is a life changing and tragic event that will never be forgotten. You will however, eventually learn the skills necessary to assist you in dealing with the pain. Day to day life will never be "normal" and may never feel the way it used to, but time does help to ease the pain.

Another baby is the answer to your grief

Truth: Your deceased child's life is worthy of all the pain you feel. While another child will fill your empty, aching arms, it will never replace your other child. Allow yourself time to grieve your child. Do not rush yourself. Another baby may add more pressure on you, your surviving children, your spouse and your new child. Be cautious not to venture into an unprepared pregnancy, too soon after the death of your beloved child. For more information on how to recognize when you are ready for a subsequent pregnancy see.

You need to forget your baby / child and move on with life

Truth: Many people will ridicule you if; photographs of your deceased child are placed in your home, if you still attend support group meetings or if you memorialize your child years after his or her death. Your faithfulness to your child's memory is to be commended! Do not let others discourage your gift of dedication. The truth is, twenty years after the death of Elvis Presley, the whole country stops to recognize him with candlelight vigils in Grace land. The event is televised worldwide on CNN and every other news station and television station in the country. This is a completely acceptable practice which millions of Americans, young and old, partake in. Yet, the same communities would have grieving parents questioning their own sanity when they chose to participate in an event, quietly memorializing someone far more important in their life- their own child. Remember your child. Do not let others determine what is right for you. Remember and do not be ashamed!

Support Groups are for weak People

Truth: The truth is, that the death of a child is the most isolating and lonely event in a human's life. Many grieving parents say that friends become strangers and strangers become friends. The reason for this is clear. How can any one else possibly understand the depth of this pain if they had never experienced it before? An analogy I like to use is related to weight loss. Let's say I struggled with obesity all my life and finally made a decision to do whatever I needed to lose weight and become healthy again. Courageously, I check myself into a weight loss clinic. However, the mentor and counselor assigned to help me through my struggle with weight is 110 lbs and a size three, and she has never been overweight a day in her life. How in the world is she going to understand your pain, your struggles and your fears? She never can. It is unlikely that you will even feel comfortable relating to that person. Support groups are a safe haven for parents to go and share the deepest of their pain with others who have experienced the same feelings. Many support groups are full of strong and compassionate people who are dedicated to helping newly bereaved parents find hope and peace in their life.

You will soon be yourself again

Truth: The truth is, you probably died with your child. You may have remnant pieces of the former self remaining, however, you are unlikely to become exactly who you were before. Get to know who you are once again. Your child's death has changed many things about you and you will need time and patience to reacquaint yourself with the new person you have become!

Am I going Crazy

Truth: Every parent who has gone through the death of a child, feels as if they are crazy. The vast array of emotions can overwhelm us. Many of us feel emotions we never knew we could feel. It is frightening and shocking. The usual routine of day to day life suddenly annoys us. We feel out of place even amongst the closest of family and friends. We cannot attend baby showers or birthday parties. We may feel too weak and drained to get out of bed in the morning. Once enjoyed activities become dreaded tasks for us. Some parents are unable to perform at work, while others may become completely absorbed in their jobs as an attempt to escape the pain. Some parents express that the grief has become so unbearable, that they prayed God would take them while they sleep. It is a roller coaster ride. Some days we are able to laugh and feel joy again. While other days there seems a black cloud hanging over us the entire day. Who wouldn't feel crazy while undergoing all of these many emotions? You aren't crazy. You are a grieving parent, simply missing what should have been in your life. Be patient and kind to yourself. While the longing for your child will never disappear, time grants us moments of peace in between the tidal waves of pain. Allow those peaceful moments to bring you closer to your child's love and the gifts they have left for you to discover

Our New Years Eve

2012-01-09T07:40:00.000+11:00

We got to enjoy our new deck and see in the new year with those we love, no better way to say goodbye to 2011 and hello 2012. 2011 sucked, we lost 2 very special people, who passed way too young. My health has been ridiculously bad and it's been a year of migraines, so I'm happily welcoming a new year. I don't believe in New Year's resolutions as I think if you really want to do something you should just do it, not save it for a new year. However I am determined this year when health permits to declutter our lives. It's amazing how much stuff breeds into your house and as this is the longest house we have ever spent time in the clutter is spilling out of the cupboards.

I was a very brave Mum this New Years Eve and didn't see my boy until after midnight. He of course was 100% fine but oh man these late teen years are harder than I ever imagined!

Always remember for 2012 life is too short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly,l augh uncontrollably and never reqret anything that made you smile :-]

Happy New Year!!

Grief the insidious monster

2012-01-07T00:09:00.000+11:00

I read a few blogs that deal with grieving, and my heart hurts for them all. There is such a common thread in grief, it matters little how you lost someone, what age they were, there is a thread of common feelings and an almost writeable time frame for what happens in every grief journey. There is also unfortunately the same lack of support or attempts at understanding from within every person's circle and from society.

A part of me wishes grief could be just like our societal norms try to force us to be. That in 2 weeks, what we have grieved is enough, that we would get back to our 'normal' selves. That the package could all be so tidily boxed up with a pretty bow and put away. But grief is nothing like it, it is an insidious monster. A lot like fire, when it burns out of control there is little we can do to stop it. We can try to spot fires and avoid moments but when grief is determined to roar it will roar. It doesn't have an end date, doesn't have any solid reason or rhyme it can come quickly, unannounced and there are moments where you think you will be consumed by it.

In the same way I think that we who live it have moments where we are like a phoenix. We make it through, we aren't fully consumed and we live on, changed by the fire but often with a new sense of determination to fight another day. There are some that become bitter, I don't mean to judge and I fully understand how it can happen, but the majority of bereaved I have met are all beautiful people, that as much as grief tries to take from us a beauty of empathy, strength, determination and appreciation is found. A new 'us' that is formed from battling the flames.

This beauty does little to stop the hurt, the missing, the ache and there is always the threat of another fire around the corner. However I can see that in every time we are not lost to grief comes a little beauty, a little of the essence of those we have lost lives in us. For if it were not for our love for them, there would not be the pain and that pain shows they will never be forgotten and are always carried in our hearts.

Our Deck

2012-01-04T00:12:00.001+11:00

Adding the deck on was something we were getting around to, but something else always seemed more imporant for us to spend money on. Finally this year (as in last year now - I've had this sitting in drafts too long) we got it done! So from start to finish - here it is

So this is Christmas 2011

2011-12-19T07:05:00.000+11:00

I am completely in love with the aqua and purple Christmas tree. The colours are so gorgeous together! As you can see I'm a little anal about the tree and work with a system to make it perfect. I have always loved Christmas though it has been a struggle the last 13 years with Grace dying so close to Christmas. We used to be the Christmas lights outside type people but haven't been able to do it since the year Grace was born. The last 2 years I have had more Christmas spirit back and am going crazy decorating inside. I don't know it just gives me a warm gooey feeling :)

Some of the best tips for decorating your tree I have discovered over the years are

lights shouldn't just go on the outer branches, arrange them so they go towards the trunk as well as the tip of the branch. 100 lights per foot of tree is what is recommended. I'm about 150 lights off that but there's always next year
Ornaments also shouldn't just be used on the tips of branches. Place some towards the centre of the tree, especially shiny ones as they reflect the lights brilliantly.
In decorating the tree I try to go with a sudoko frame of mind. Within 6 of the ornament in all directions should not be one of the same colour and style ie matt, shiny, glittery. Yes that's my OCD kicking in.
Most trees need about 40% more decorations than you are used to putting on. Sounds scary but with the budget shops around now it's not that difficult or expensive to build your collection.
Any dangling ornaments should be able to dangle freely, don't be scared to bend the branches up if you have an artificial tree.
Lastly and most importantly give your tree a good fluffing when you unpack it. Yes it's time consuming but work on every branch to have the perfect shape.
Most of all have fun! I'm not one to follow interior decorators ideals of having your tree match your room, I say go crazy do whatever colour combination you want and by the time you add tinsel and garlands around the room it all fits together beautifully.

Hope that helps someone!

A Little Catch Up

2011-12-18T08:08:00.001+11:00

So I'm at least a year behind blogging but I thought I'd do a little catch up.

I did try to go to private settings as I had mistakenly left our surname on here in two places and what we all dread happened. Some of Zac's friends found it through google and while there wasn't any nasty repercussions (other than good natured ribbing over some old photos) I wasn't comfortable that it happened. So I've removed our surname and put a lot of thought into returning. Zac wanted me to re-open as he knows it gives me somewhere to write out my thoughts and that at times it also helps others. Fingers crossed it's smooth sailing from here.

Ok so in the last 12 months my not so baby boy graduated high school

Received an award for the most dedicated student in all areas of school life.

Had a photo shoot for me, lol yup still adore photos and wanted to capture this time in his life.

Started at the Academy which is years 11 and 12 here

and completed year 11 with us awaiting his results tomorrow. He has decided he wants to become a social worker and I think it's a perfect choice. Below photo is Zac now.

I will catch up on the renovations we've done, me and life in general in the next few days.

Hope everyone has a fabulous week

Grace's 13 balloons

2011-12-17T14:53:00.000+11:00

Grief is not a sign of weakness -- it's the price of love.

2011-12-17T09:07:00.000+11:00

One of only 2 photos of my 2 children.

13 years is such a long time and in other moments it feels like a heartbeat ago. At this time 13 years ago I was becoming inpatient to get down to you. I was waiting on the nurse to remove my drain and your Dad to get there and help me shower. All night every nurse who came into my room had rung down to ask about you and everytime the answer was that you were doing amazingly well. You even had your oxygen down to room air levels and coped just fine. When we did get to you I was delighted in your activity, your kick kick kicking, you sticking your tongue out and blowing bubbles. Some sense made me aware that your nurse seemed a little concerned. I did ask her and she said you had dropped your stats a bit and she had called the Doctor. She then told us that this was to be expected though, that you were probably getting a little tired. I still never thought that those first signs would be our warning that you would be taken from us. The rest of the day is not something I can easily type about or even think about. All I hope you know is that you were so very loved and that your Dad and I did all we could possibly do to ensure that what was best for you was the priority.

The pain truly hasn't changed and I ache as much for you today as I did 5 years ago, 10 yeas ago and even 13 years ago. Everyday life is much easier but the hole in my heart, the piece of me that is missing they are forever. I love you baby girl xxx

2011-12-16T19:24:00.000+11:00

Making me chase the balloon Grace?

Happy 13th Birthday our Princess Grace

2011-12-16T07:16:00.001+11:00

Its's so hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that you are now a teen Grace. If I'm honest I don't want you to be, I don't want to have missed out on all those moments of you growing up. I have no idea what happens in heaven but I hope there is a chance that you can wait for me, wait for me my gorgeous girl I want to be there for you.

This day 13 years ago was such a happy one. Once you were born and cried our relief was enormous, then when we were told you were so much better than they expected our elation grew. As any new Mum can tell you the day you give birth to your children are amongst the very best days of your life. Your birth was no different, that you were here, that you were doing so well, that you were a girl, a sweet precious pink bundle to complete our family was beyond my wildest expectations.

You were perfect.

Your perfect pinkness, your cry, your precious kicking legs, your rosebud lips, your darling ten little fingers and ten little toes. We drank in every part of you and road the euphoria that every new parent experiences.

I hate that today on your birthday we don't get to celebrate you as we should. Your birthday can't help but be a bittersweet day, tinged in sadness as now we all know what came next. I want you to know though, that on the day you were born we were beyond happy, you were so loved, so wanted and us and all your family were thrilled that you came into our lives.

I would live the last 13 years over and over again because you and the precious 30 hours of bliss were worth every moment of pain I have lived through.

Have a wonderful birthday in heaven, and know we are all thinking of you and are so happy to have had you in our lives.

love Mummy xxxx

I’ll never get to hold you
I’ll never hear your sweet voice sing
I’ll never get to say ‘I told you so’
I’ll never read to you or get to teach you anything

But you’ll always be my hope
You’ll always be my first light
You’re always gonna be daddy’s little girl
You’ll always be the strength I need to make it in this world
I only wish for one more day

I’m gonna miss your first day of school
I’ll never see you turn that page
I’ll never see you in your graduation gown
And I’m never gonna see you coming of age

But you’ll always be my hope
You’ll always be my first light
You’re always gonna be mommy’s little girl
You’ll always be the strength I need to make it in this world
I only wish for one more day

Sweet angel of mercy
Coming down to comfort me
Faith sit right here beside me
I never want you to go away

I’m always gonna wonder how you’d look
Always gonna wish I took your place up there

You’ll always be our hope
You’ll always be our first light
You’re always gonna be our little girl
You’ll always be the strength we need to make it in this world
We only wish for one more day

We only wish for one more day

(c) 2009 Wrongway/Wrongtimer Music (BMI) and Saylesound Music (ASCAP)

Private settings grrr

2011-08-22T09:26:00.001+10:00

Hopefully I will work out this new private setting thing soon.

Dammit I have two children

2011-05-07T01:26:00.000+10:00

I've been through two lots of morning sickness, had the exciting moment of finding out I'm pregnant and telling the world more than once, been amazed by the wonderful moment of two babies kicking for the first time, been kept awake by two babies kicking, by two lots of indigestion and two bouts of many middle of the night toilet breaks.I've bought outfits, toys, and all kinds of baby paraphernalia for two babies, I've designed the perfect nursery twice, I've heard two babies take their first cry, marveled over the beauty and perfection of two tiny people. I've cried at the sight of my two babies, been amazed at the softness of two babies skin. I've fallen in love completely and totally with two little humans, before they were born, been amazed at the love I felt when they were born and at every single time I saw them after that. I've had the privilege of naming two children and the pride at telling the world of their arrival. I've learnt the little habits and dislikes of two babies and been amazed I could create something so beautiful twice. I've worried over two children, been relieved at their progress and proud of them both.

Yet it's nearly Mothers day and to the world I have just one child, very few want to know of the child who died. I'm asked how many children I have and have to weigh up each and every time how do I respond, do I protect the asker and ignore my daughter or do I let it all out to a perfect stranger. I have people who are close to me and I know love me dearly have moments where they forget her, where they tell me I should be so thankful I have only ONE child. But I don't, I have two, forever and always, whether here or not two children live in my heart.

DAMMIT I HAVE TWO CHILDREN!!

It's not how it's meant to be..

2011-02-15T15:53:00.001+11:00

Today should have been Grace's first day of high school with all the pre-high nerves and the excitement of her finally going to high school.

It is Zac's first day at matric and I do miss him and hate the idea he is growing so much so quickly. I've worried about him all day; has he found his friends, his classes, somewhere to eat lunch etc.

It should have been day where I worried about those things for both of them.

It just wasn't meant to be like this...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Madly pedaling to stay on top

2010-12-04T07:09:00.000+11:00

I have so many emotions going through me right now I don't know how much longer I can stay afloat.

I know that many other parents are watching their children graduate and are fine with it, I am fine with it but I never expected how much it would make my heart smile and ache at the same time. I really am completely hopeless at the thought of Zac growing up, I want to keep him at this age forever. That's not really true I do want him to go out in the world and experience everything life has to offer but just WHY does it seem to happen so damn fast. He has 3 official school days left and my heart aches. I guess very few of us like change and this is just another stage I have to pull myself through even if it is kicking and screaming. I know every Mother has the most amazing child, Zac too is something very special and I am constantly amazed at the caring gentle but very deep young man he is becoming. He has had the most amazing year, worked really hard to achieve grades that will enable him to do anything he wants to do, has taken his role of school captain so very seriously and done an an amazing job. He has been nominated for an award which he will receive this week and I am so so happy that his hard work will be recognised. I just hate the idea that one day soon he will have to move away to study, I will miss him so so much. I love the chats we have after school every day, how when he walks through the door he wants to share all that has happened. I truly have an amazing child and I feel blessed in so many ways.

Then the other part of me wants to scream but Grace should be starting High School, we shouldn't be finished with high school just yet. Zac officially graduates on Grace's 12th birthday. I want to keep this time all about Zac but it seems to be having a snowball effect and all my emotions are mixed and rolled together. This time of the year is always hard, and I'm sure once again it will be proven that the leadup is far worse than the actual days. Then again I've never had such an important time for Zac fall on her days. There is a part of me that finds it nice in a way- kind of like she is included in this important time for our family. The pain really doesn't ever get any better but the time in between feeling the pain does increase. Thoughts of her, memories of her kciking and blowing bubbles and unfortunately the memories of her death still have the power to knock me off my feet and take my breath away. The enormity of our loss never diminishes, it grows with each year and all she should be accomplishing that year. I still ache for all the should have beens....

A Grace Day

2010-06-16T16:19:00.000+10:00

I wonder when I write these posts if I scare the more newly bereaved, it isn't that even after 11 years life is anywhere near as hard as the first few years. The pain though doesn't go away and Grace's loss still has the ability to knock me off my feet. Today is one of those days. It started with a dream about her and has left me missing her so very much. Wondering just why she isn't here, why her, why us. The eternal unanswerable questions.......

I miss you baby girl.

My Mother's Day

2010-05-10T06:55:00.000+10:00

On the whole I had a truly wonderful Mother's day. My boys were fantastic and spoiled me rotten, they did an amazing job of not having one fight all day lol. This was also the year I received the best Mother's day presents from BOTH my children and the worst....

The Best

Zac

I really don't think there could ever be a better present than the letter Zac wrote me below. I of course cried and still tear up every time I read it. Mothering really is such an honour, how damn lucky are we to have them in our lives!!

in case you can't decipher
Dear Mum,
Well yet another year of being a Mother; another year of loving Mummy hugs and kisses, another year of your generosity, light laughter, amazing friendship and support.

Another year of your magnanimous mothering, and the challenges it puts upon you which you deal with so calmly and with your exquisit, expert mothering skills.

Another year of a payless job, an under recognised job.

Not only did you bring me into this world you've done way more than the legal requirements of feeding and clothing me, you have exceeded far beyond that.

You've taught me right from wrong, been there for me, cared about me, showed taught me about the world and that I won't always be right because other people see things differently.

Thank you for being the beautiful awesome mum that you are, I love you, happy Mother's day!!

Miss Grace

There are moments since Grace died where things happen that you can't not believe or explain the moment other than it was a 'sign' (for lack of a better word) that you needed to get you through. Butterflies (which I associate with Grace) always seem to land near me just when I need them to, a song may come on the radio that I relate to Grace at just that moment I need it, then there are more obvious slap you in the face ones. I know I've talked about this one before but there are others. There was a very low day early on when I was just going through the motions when I walked into a shop that had a stand at the front with named bears. Exactly where I looked two were facing towards each other and the first one's name was Grace, the second Brianna. I bought them on the spot. The stand was sorted alphabetically so Grace and Brianna should never have been near each other, but they were :) This Mother's day we were lamp shopping, I spotted the one above and told Rod I like it and even more for its name "Brianna", he then turned to the one next to it and pointed out it was called "Grace", I looked to the next one and believe it or not it was called our last name!! I like to believe it was a little hello and I love you Mummy and crazy or not it really helped me make it through this Mother's day far more easily than any before :) Thank you baby girl!!

The Worst

This is my beautiful bed, gorgeous huh??

This is where we ended up sleeping last night lol!! Rod went to give me one of my presents, chocolate aniseed rings (yum) and there was a great big bloody hole in the wrapping paper and cellophane underneath, with chocolate missing of the rings. Sometime between midnight - 10am when I was opening my pressies a mouse had climbed into his bedside drawer and eaten them!!! ARGHHHHHHH I do NOT do mice. I have no idea why a mouse would be in our bedroom, we never have food in there, argh still gives me shivers just typing it, so until it's caught this is my new sleeping place :)

Hope you all had the wonderful Mother's day you deserved

love Txx

When A Baby Dies

2010-05-09T08:26:00.000+10:00

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T08:18:00.002+10:00

Happy Mother's Day
By Cathy Gonzalez

There are a special group of women
Who you might not know or recognize
They are the ones on Mother's Day
With big tears in their eyes

Some might have children that you see
but what you don't know
Is that they also have children
that only they can see

They can see them in a special way
That way is as an Angel
For what you don't understand is
They have all seen, felt, or held an Angel

Mother's Day is their day too
Try to see that fact
That their hearts are full of pain
Because you too
Didn't see their Angel

Happy Mother's Day
to all the Moms who have
seen, felt, or held an Angel

Love,
Your Angel in Heaven

Where I'm at...

2010-04-27T10:07:00.000+10:00

I've been reading old posts here and think I have probably done a disservice to myself but not posting more. Even if I'm the only one who reads them it helps so very much to read back on them and know how far I've come. This post is mainly going to be a self-pitying moan lol, but I think I need to get it out.

This year is certainly stretching me in every direction. I sort of got some answers as to why I have been feeling so awful. I have evolving connective tissue disease, which I don't even really know how to explain. I think it's another word for undifferentiated connective tissue disorder or mixed connective tissue disorder. Basically it means my auto immune system is misfiring and I'm ending up with joint pain and fatigue. I also am developing Hashimoto's thyroid disease, it's not full blown yet but tests show that my auto immune system is starting to attack my thyroid. It is good on one hand to have some answers but on the other the medication I am taking takes between 8-12 weeks to show any benefit and 6 months to take full effect. The other problem is I'm not reacting well to the medication and the side effects for now seem to be just adding to the load of how unwell I feel. I have had to defer my studies for at least this semester as I just wasn't keeping up and Ms perfectionist in me couldn't live with the idea of not giving 100%.

I think on the upside I have found that this perfectionism isn't the greatest of qualities to have so have started to work with a psychologist on how to stop myself from becoming SO stressed over everything. I really don't know how to stop having to have certain things so damn perfect and with this illness I have to learn to let some things go. The bummer of the pyscho man is he wants to hear my life story over again and that's been painful. He actually got me to go into minute detail about Grace's passing, if you have read here long you know that the last hour of her life was ... horrific and it's not something I ever let myself remember, I don't need to live that again. So I left that appointment feeling very wrung out and vulnerable. I'm not even sure as to how it's relevant to what I want help to fix in my life. I do understand that Grace is a HUGE part of who I am but that hour isn't. That along with other not so great parts of my life he asked about have left me feeling very much like I have just had the scabs ripped off my soul. I only hope that in the end this is what helps. I feel very down at the moment and while those I love and my Doctors reassure me that it is to expected, that the pain alone can trigger depression I am again at a place where each day feels like a mountain to climb. I know I have so much to be grateful for and many many people are in far worse positions but I need to get out how I am feeling now for my own selfish reasons I guess.

I do have that light in my life of the most gorgeous child. He is so so so everything.. lol In all honestly he is growing into a caring, thoughtful, deep, generous and kind young man. Everything I have worried about about him this year seems to have been taken away. At a recent parent teacher every teacher told me just hjow hard he is working and what an improvement he has made this year. He is taking his role of school captain so seriously and though he would give me that frown for saying it - it is so damn cute. He is the absolute light of my life and whole he has "teen moments" like they all do he never fails to bring a smile to my face and make me forget everything else. He recently got his learners licence and scares me everytime he gets behind the wheel but I keep hoping this too shall pass. If only there was a way to freeze time and keep them young longer. To anyone out there worrying about the teen years, yes there are tough tough moments and many battles of wills but teenagers are a joy. Even Zac's friends if you actually spend time and listen they all have so much to offer.

Time for another Doctor's appointment and it did feel good to get that all off my chest.
Have a happy week
Txx

Anzac Day

2010-04-27T09:35:00.000+10:00

Zac did a wonderful job at assembly raising the flag and doing the requim, he never ceases to amaze me with how grown up and mature he is now.

Breath freely sweet Eva

2010-03-29T06:22:00.000+11:00

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to
love and be loved in return - in memory of Eva, the world is less without you in it.

http://65redroses.livejournal.com/

Holiday shots- better late than never

2010-02-21T00:37:00.000+11:00

Our holiday

2010-01-25T11:28:00.000+11:00

click to enlarge

Remember when...

2010-01-11T06:58:00.000+11:00

Today is our 18th wedding anniversary, how time flies

Let them be little

2010-01-09T08:24:00.001+11:00

this makes me cry :( and smile :)

I love this.....

2010-01-07T23:12:00.000+11:00

I know that it is probably not very "P.C.", but I love this.....

This should be posted in every school!

Love him or hate him , he sure hits the nail on the head with this!
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault , so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now.. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Collage of Christmas 2009

2010-01-03T10:31:00.000+11:00

Trying to get a family photo...

2010-01-03T10:27:00.000+11:00

I don't know if anyone else has as many out takes as us but trying to get a decent family photo on a timer is hard work lol.

Happy New Year!!!

2010-01-02T12:58:00.000+11:00

Happy New Year!! Bring on 2010 or as a friend so eloquently put it on facebook, farewell and good riddance to 2009, make sure the door smacks you on the arse on the way out!!! Yes some good things came from 2009 but way too many bad things such as young people dying, bad health, illnesses etc etc. Let's hope the new year is better for everyone.

----00OO00----

See this little mischief maker here?? The one who is sleeping soundly at 9.30 in the morning!! Could this be the same sumo wrestler who was banging against his door at 4.30 - 5.45am this morning?? The one who wouldn't let me go back to sleep??

Oh Mum if I just pretend I'm not looking at you, you won't make me get up will you?!?!

Really Mum I am very very tired!!

Too bad I said as I did let the door breeze past his arse on the way out this morning :)

Photo Overkill - Our Christmas Day

2009-12-27T10:57:00.001+11:00

Santa Time

Ready for the Evans's

hee hee all got a bit much for Nan

My sister-in-law but more importantly the other sister I never had. :)

Too cute of Maggie Moo

Little Noah - growing so fast

Rod, Louise and Ros

Fun in the spa

Christmas Eve

2009-12-27T10:43:00.000+11:00

There is no better way to spend Christmas Eve then with dear friends and gorgeous food.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T22:41:00.000+11:00

Merry Christmas from our house to your, may your day be filled with love and laughter.
Always remembering our precious loved ones who are note with us to share this special season.

Remembrance, like a candle, burns brightest at Christmastime. --Charles Dickens

Us Christmas Eve 2009

He never fails to amaze me

2009-12-21T23:01:00.000+11:00

I expected the teen years to be bad, years that we would barely make it through but I have to say this child ofmine is growing into such an amazing human being. That's not to say he doesn't have his moments, but on the whole he is one special person. The photo above was taken this afternoon when he noticed the elderly gentleman across the road was spreading his delivery of gravel on his own. Zac decided to go and offer his help as he said "Well Mum it is Christmas time". He melts my heart!!

Zac, Hannah & me

2009-12-19T09:13:00.000+11:00

Our stupendous news - our amazing child

2009-12-18T10:21:00.000+11:00

Yes more than a little biased but I'm allowed. Our son has now been appointed Head boy or school captain whichever title you prefer. We are so incredibly proud of him and with the determination he is already putting into his role we know he will do a great job! Photo above is when he was in shock after the Prinicipal had just announced Zac was the man.

(love this one ) :)

Too many

2009-12-17T23:24:00.003+11:00

There are getting to be just too many balloons... this photo brings tears, too much time, too many years. We wish today meant nothing in our household, that it was just the day after your birthday and all was right in the world. We miss you and wish with all we have that you were blowing out more candles rather than us releasing more balloons. Love you Grace - to the moon and back.

Zaccie also released a balloon for his classmate who passed one month ago yesterday. He is sadly missed.

Hannah Montannah!!

2009-12-16T13:14:00.004+11:00

This year much to my disgust we bought the Hannah Montannah balloon. I just couldn't do the cutesy character for an 11 yr old! I guess the same problems (ie my dislike for Hannah Montannah, high school musical etc) would be happening if she was here and that makes me smile :)

Happy 11th Birthday Grace Brianna

2009-12-16T05:27:00.005+11:00

My Brief Rainbow

Rainbows appear only on dreary, rainy days,
They beautiful the world for a few brief moments.
These moments, however, can be spectacular
YOU were my brief rainbow.

You entered my life
and stayed for but a short while.
Nonetheless, the memories of those moments
When you blessed us with laughter and delight.

Joy and smiles, charm and beauty,
Gaiety and happiness,
Mischief and silliness, sunlight and moonbeams,
Giggles and love (ad infinitum)....

Made the deluge, the tears of pain and anger,
Helplessness and fear, insanity and agony,
Sadness and heartbreak, emptiness and loneliness
bearable.

Rainbows, however brief,
Make the world a brighter, lovelier place,
How grateful I am that I had you,
My brief rainbow.

Peggy Kociscin

Dear Grace,

This time 11 years ago your Dad and I were choosing which name you would have. The list was down to about 4 girls names and as you had shown us your fighting spirit by beating the Doctors odds of being born alive, Grace was the perfect fit. You were such a little fighter proving everyone wrong by doing so well. This day 11 years ago was filled with such joy, joy that you were here, that we actually had a little girl and joy that you were doing so well. I remember at times feeling like I needed to pinch myself, that you were real and our family was complete. I'm so very glad we had those moments of joy, that your life was not just filled with worry and sadness, that for 24 hours we got to be the happiest people on earth. In those 24 hours we got to know about you, to know you. You hated the oxygen prongs and did your best to dislodge them, you were a wriggler and repeatedly wriggled out of your nappy and made a big mess for the nurses to clean up. You kicked your legs, blew adorable little bubbles out your mouth and I don't think a person that saw you didn't get to see you poke out your tongue. I am so very grateful for those memories, so grateful I was blessed with you. While our hearst break a little more today they also celebrate the beauty of you, the joy of having you in our lives and the changes you brought to us as people. Thank you Grace for giving me those moments. My brief rainbow.

love always and forever, to the moon and back
Mummy

Sebastian Pigott - Alien Like You

2009-12-13T05:26:00.001+11:00

3 days

2009-12-13T05:17:00.002+11:00

3 days from Grace's birthday and I haven't posted much yet.... It's not that anything has really changed, it's just hard for me to write this year. I'm not sure why... but I do think it's because I know more people from my everyday life read here now. It's not that they are not welcome but more that I know they read and say nothing. Feels a little like I've lost my safe place. I have considered moving to private settings, so maybe that's what I have to do.

I miss her, God how I miss her. I'm in unfamiliar terroritory now, I truly can't imagine what it would be like to have an 11 yr old daughter. A baby and a toddler I could visualise as really they aren't that different where gender is concerned but now I don't know. This lack of knowledge hurts, it screams so loudly of all the should have beens. What would she be like? How would our family be different with her here? Would I too be suffering through High School Musical and Hannah Montanna? How I wish that I was. I watch Zac and wonder if she'd be like him, would they like each other, would Zac be different if she was here... All eternally unanswerable questions.

Today I will take strength from what I do know, that I carry her in my heart; and for now that will have to suffice...

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go,my dear;
and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate
(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart
(i carry it in my heart)

by: ee cummings

So this is Christmas...

2009-12-04T05:47:00.003+11:00

My absolute fav Christmas song, don't mind who sings it but am loving the Robbie Williams version now.

And what have you done, another year over...

This year has flown by, it's been a full on and troublesome year, not the worst but definitely not the best. There are still things to be very thankful for, Rod's Mum making a complete recovery from a rocky road of open heart surgery, our AMAZING son and another fruitful Uni year over. On the flip side we have our dear brother-in-law diagnosed with terminal cancer, my Mother with a badly broken ankle, whose recovery is very prolonged, Zac's classmate's drowning and my health. I'm ready to say goodbye to 2009.

The school held a memorial yesterday for the young man, I still cry when I think of him but also especially for his Mother. My heart breaks so very much for her and all she must be going through. I don't believe in a reason for everything, as when a child dies there is NEVER a reason good enough for a young life to be cut short. Sometimes tragedies happen without rhyme or reason, I pray that this Mother is surrounded with love, support and understanding.

On the road to recovery

2009-12-02T05:17:00.002+11:00

or at least I hope they are now on the right track.

After feeling crappy for a few months now with vague symptoms I saw a rheumatologist last week. He was very nice and very thorough, he stated that due to my poor obstetric history caused by an autoimmune antibody, my current blood test results and my symptoms I'm cooking something?!?! He stated that all these signs need to be read as smoke, and where there's smoke there's fire. He told me to look up and read about SLE lupus and rheumatoid arthritis and I said to him but I don't have those. He looked at me funny and I said oh I'm on the path to getting those. He replied my dear you are way, way down the path.?? He mentioned something about evolving connective tissue disease, which I'm not really sure what it means. I have to have more tests, treat symptoms and go back to him in Feb. I know I should have asked more but I was kind of gob smacked. I don't remember everything he said but do recall he said that the good news is I'm young and hopefully it has been caught early before any organ damage.

I shouldn't be overly surprised as I was warned after Grace that having an auto immune response in pregnancy could make it likely that later in life I would have problems. However I wish later in life was still a bit later than it is right now. I'm scared but hopeful that finally with the right treatment I will finally feel somewhat normal again :)

So so so proud of our boy!

2009-11-25T05:59:00.003+11:00

In case the above letter can't be clicked on to enlarge it the exciting news says:

I am writing to formally advise you of the election of your son Zac to the High School Student Leadership Team for 2010.

Election to the Leadership Team is the highest honour given by this school and is a reflection of the high regard in which Zac is held by both the students and the staff of High School.

Along with an invitation into advanced literacy we received yesterday, as well as having advanced himself into advanced science and advanced maths in the last year, truly makes me wonder why I had so many sleepless nights about Zac. I read here and here and I'm reminded of what a struggle it has been to engage Zac with learning! As his teacher told me this week he just needed to decide to run with it and when he did WOW did he run with it!!

We are so incredibly proud and I hope this also gives anyone who is at the pulling your hair out in getting your child to learn stage that there is indeed hope!!

Have a great day
Txx

Coldplay - Fix You

2009-11-23T12:07:00.001+11:00

I would so love to be able to fix everything for Zac. It is so hard to know that I can't, that this is his journey he has to go through.....

Hug your children today

2009-11-20T06:56:00.003+11:00

I had planned a happy post with the wonderful news Zac and I got last week but this week turned to one of great tragedy. On Monday one of Zac's classmates drowned during a school activity. I'm not going to elaborate much here, the media are circling everyone like the vultures they are. I did want to express my heart break for his class mate's family the staff at his school and his classmates. They are suffering greatly.

Zac's pretty shook up, all of them are. He's sleeping very little but is at least talking. I just can't help thinking it could have been Zac and it is someone's own Zaccie, some family who will never ever have their boy walk through the door again.

So hug your children extra closely today.

Happy Saturday morning!!!!

2009-11-07T06:35:00.006+11:00

It's been just a little (loooong) time since I've used that title :)

Another week of holidays down and now it feels like I am really on holidays as the dreaded wait for results is over. I scored a HD in anthropology (I LOVE that subject) and a D in sociology (still hate that subject though). So I'm beyond excited!!!

Unfortunately since the end of semester I've been unwell (and honestly probably a bit before the end I just didn't let myself accept I was sick until it was over), and after blood tests they can't tell me what's wrong. The tests show that something is definitely wrong but not exactly what it is so now I have to go to a specialist. Hopefully it won't be too long a wait to get into one, as I really just want to feel better and enjoy this time off.

The teen terrorist/angel has been far more angel lately and I swear he just melts my heart. He just had his athletics carnival which he did really well in. As Rod and I were going to leave, I told him it's ok you don't need to hug me and he said don't be stupid of course I am! So in the middle of an oval full of teens he did - sigh he really melts my heart. I keep having that line from Butterfly Kisses run through my head "For all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right, to deserve a hug in the morning and butterfly kisses at night" - truly am just as sentamentalist aren't I??? lol He also is off to his first teen party tonight so will we have to see if the angel still comes through :)

I am finding this growing up almost impossible to deal with - le sigh. This needing to let go a little more, fights with all of me who is screaming it's too early, he can't grow up yet! (Un)fortunately though I just have to let him and while I am so proud of the steps he is taking to growing up, my heart breaks just a little everytime it happens. So I think I may turn into the Mother in law from hell with a nasty dose of empty nest syndrome :D. I also can't help it but I want to scream at the world, at someone, anyone and say this just isn't %&#@^*@ right! I'm meant to have a 10 yr old that still needs mothering, I'm not meant to be done yet I'm meant to be pulling my hair out as Grace enters into the tweens. :( I know the reality, nothing will change that and this is just another mountainous step in the grief journey, made harder by all the should have beens......

Have a fabulous week full of love and laughter

Txx

ps that's a recentish photo of Rod and I

The Anthropology Song: A little bit Anthropologist

2009-11-07T06:31:00.001+11:00

I'm thinking this should show why my heart belongs to Anthro :)

Lyrics:

Hey Mom & Dad, I've got to come out and say,
I've got to tell you, it's the only way
Something I've learned about myself since I was away (at college)
I really think that I might be a little bit -- of an Anthropologist

Mom & Dad, I've been led astray,
I've been experimenting with archaeolog(a)y
On an excavation, tried C-14 dating
And ground penetrating radar for the first time -- (if you know what I mean)

I see the visions in your head of me digging up dino bones
Or do I study insects in a laboratory all alone?
But I'm just looking for the story of our people as a whole
Wanting to learn about and understand all cultures as our own ...

[Chorus]
The World seems to increasingly need, Anthropology
Now we're exploring, asking Who Why and How we be People
The difference between us, is not so much
Tell me your story, your piece of what is Humanity.

Mom & Dad, I think you should know,
I do fieldwork, everywhere I go
I want to travel, see Peru and Vietnam
My heroes are Margaret Mead and Barack Obama's mom
-- (did you know she was an Anthropologist?)

If you think of natives on an island painted up singing war songs
It's misleading though historically you're not totally wrong
But you can do Anthropology reading graffitied bathroom stalls
Or in a war zone ... or a December shopping mall.

Then there's Linguistics -- I think that's how we use our tongues;
Physical Anthro says what body parts we all have in common,
You can even study monkeys, I hear that part's really fun
All these fields tell us part of what it means to be human ...

[Chorus]

Hey Mom & Dad, it wasn't how you raised me.
Anthro professors, they're all kinda crazy
Got their agendas, trying to recruit our P-O-Vs
Deep down inside they're all in love with -- Malinowski

At the same time, I think it's what my heart has always known
Do you remember Hallowe'en when I was Indiana Jones?
The other kids they stopped coming around, I had to play alone
I guess they didn't like my kinship charts, of all their homes.

Some cross-cultural connexions might just help us all relate
Misunderstanding's at the root of so much global hate
How many wars, metaphors or literally,
Could be avoided if the world was "us", instead of "you" and "me"?

[Chorus] x2

School's out!!

2009-10-31T16:32:00.003+11:00

Wohoo 2nd year down and only another 4 to go, ouch 4 seems soooooooooooo long. I am so so so pleased this 2nd semester is over it truly was awful. Due to a new school system we had no mid term break or any study break before exams, it seemed a very long semester! I really enjoyed my Anthropolgy subject this semester and learnt so very much on how truly tragic our history is and how inhuman our political system can be. School has been finished for a couple of weeks but I have been sick so haven't got back to blogging yet. Now I have the whole summer off - wohoo - happy dance!

I'm not better yet, they are running some tests but the rest of my family are great. The teen terrorist is growing up so fast that I just want to scream STOP! I am so not ready for him to be grown up but know I have very little choice. He is still a fabulous kid with the usual occassional teen drama thrown in. He has finally started to knuckle down at school and this has been reflected in his report card. He also recently went in the Burnie 10, pictures below and still loves running.

Sigh he really is becoming a man now isn't he? No matter how much I might want it to stop.

This I just had to share as I love love love it! I never decided what I wanted to have to commerate Grace's 10th birthday or maybe more that I had made it 10 years.... Then I saw this and just knew it was what I wanted. I found it through etsy and was so delighted with the seller who made it exactly as I wanted it. Oh and etsy is evil if you have never been there lol, I can't stay away from the place now!

Well I don't have much else to report, just wanted to check in and say I'm back - at least for the summer :)

hugs and love
T

2009-10-15T09:48:00.002+11:00

There are some scars that can’t be seen by the eye

Some wounds that will never heal

Some hurts that time will never mend

And broken hearts with pieces missing that will never be whole again.

October 15th is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. Each year in Australia approximately 58,000 couples experience reproductive loss: About 55,000 experience early pregnancy loss, 1,750 babies are stillbornand about 900 babies die in the first twenty-eight days after birth (source SANDS Australia)

2009-10-09T15:49:00.000+11:00

I'm So Glad You Came

I'm so glad you came,
For I will always know your light,
in my hands
Always.

And the power of your leaving
was exquisite.
A kind of profound silence.
I will always be able to recall it,
In a moment
Always.

But I am so glad you came,
So incredibly honored,
to have known you at all.
I will always know your light
in my hands,
and in a blink I will see it
Always.

Author: Jane Peterson

The Bereaved Mother

2009-09-07T23:22:00.001+10:00

To those of you who look away when I grow teary eyed in the baby department, look a little deeper. Surely you have some compassion in your heart.

To those of you who change the subject when I speak my child's name, change your way of thinking. It may just change your whole life.

To those of you who roll your eyes and say we barely had them at all, how could we miss them so much, in our hearts we have seen them live a thousand times. We have seen their first steps, their first day of school, their weddings, and their children. We have had them forever in our minds.

To those who say we can have another, even if we had twenty more they would never be the child we lost, and we will always miss them.

To those who say get on with my life, I have. It is a different life, the life of a grieving mother. One with a tremendous amount to be thankful for, but also one with a lot to mourn the loss of.

Do not judge a bereaved mother. She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart throbs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she is NOT, all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

Hmmmmm a little too long

2009-07-17T05:24:00.006+10:00

Way too long and I doubt anyone reads now but I know for myself I will regret not writing. It is really so helpful to be able to read back on how I was feeling at a particular time.

So since March life has been great :) Sometimes I worry we are too happy and the next disaster is just around the corner. It sounds so pessimistic but I think that the ability to believe only good things happen is a casualty from losing a child.

First semester is over woohoo and I am very happy to have finished with a HD :) I only did sociology in the semester and really didn't like it as much as I thought I would :( but hey finishing with a HD makes up for it! The Zac monster is incredibly beautiful, he surprises me everyday with how caring and thoughtful a young man he is becoming. He is an absolute joy to have in my life and for a teenager he is pretty much stress free. He seems to have finally realised the benefits of working at school and this is being reflected in his grades. How very lucky I am to be the Mum of such an amazing kid :)

Mum and Dad have just moved house to downgrade to a unit. I think it's a great decision and much easier for both of them with less garden and maintenance but I can't help feeling a little sad. It seems to be a physical marker of them aging and I don't feel anywhere near ready for my parents to be older.

I also was surprised to find myself a little teary yesterday when we finished cleaning out the old house. It was the house in which Grace was conceived (we lived there for a few months while Mum and Dad toured Australia), where I found out I was pregnant, where I spewed continually (lol)..... where she became a reality in our lives. Its also the place we stayed immediately after her death. I remember wandering the house in the early hours, of sitting out the back and crying, crying, crying. It's where I obsessed about how much I hated ants. I could not understand why my princess couldn't live yet ants continued to breath. I hated them with a passion, how dare ants live when my baby couldn't! Before you send the straight jacket, in talking to other bereaved parents I have found that most people find something to hate in the same way. One friend it was the postman, how dare the postman just keep coming when her baby had died. The world goes on and I guess it was these things that to us screamed life ws still going on when ours had been forever changed. It's kind of funny at the time I never told anyone of my feelings and believe me it was an obsession, I think they may been very worried if I had of voiced it or let them know just how often I was out there with boiling water killing the little suckers :) So in my parents moving I feel a little like I am leaving these memories behind. I realise Grace and her life are in my heart and not in any physical place but I think it is another notch in the life is moving on ruler. It's not good or bad it just is... and it leaves me feeling a little hollow and a lot sad this week.

love to all who still are out there

Txx

A pair of shoes....

2009-03-22T06:07:00.001+11:00

A Pair of Shoes...
(Author Unknown) Enigma Magazine Summer 2007

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others’ eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

25 Random Things

2009-02-06T06:47:00.002+11:00

This is doing the rounds on facebook, I think if I do it here it will appear there as it's linked somhow, fingers crossed!

25 Random Things
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1. I am a little obssesive about ornaments, candles, flowers etc all being placed in odd numbers, don't know why but that's how it HAS to be.

2. I will notice if any of my odd numbered displays are moved even a smidge ;)

3. I have an unrational fear of people choking

4. I am extremely allergic to bees and should carry an epi pen but still haven't got around to it yet

5. I dance when I am home alone

6. I am awesome (and a tad obsessed) with stain removal, have a stain - I'm your lady!!

7. I don't know what I want to do when I grow up

8. I actually really love my Uni studies

9. I keep up with all my tv shows by watching them from US - Nothing better than watching TV when you choose to not when you have too

10. I am terrible at replying to emails, I always mean to but never get around to it

11. I worry alot that I am being a good Mum and if I teaching the right life lessons

12. I don't trust easily, if something is bothering me or I am upset it takes a lot for me to share and then there are only three people I would tell my husband and my best friends

13. I have the most amazing and awesome best friends

14. I can't say no to people

15. I am terribly stubborn, often always right and do not tell I can't do something

16. I despise liars - Now one of my new fav TV shows Lie to Me says that on average humans lie 3 times every 10 minutes, so I guess I don't sweat the white lies but do not mess with me over the big stuff and if you have something to say, say it to my face

17. I am saddened by ignorant attitudes to other cultures and homosexuality

18. According to my son I am random and annoying - I love nothing more than sneaking up on him or jumping out of places to scare him

19. I am not allowed to have anymore children as both I and the baby could die

20. I am addicted to cups of tea and easily have 20 a day

21. I love love love smoking and doubt I will ever give up

22. I wish I had gotten to know my Dad's parents better, I was young when they died

23. I adored my father-in-law and miss him everyday

24. I am scared of my son growing up, I can't the stand the thought that there WILL be days I won't get to talk to him

25. I suck at guitar hero but man I love it!!!

2009-01-31T06:48:00.001+11:00

Tuesday

I was recently directed to this blog, please visit and pray or send thoughts for this precious princess and her family.

From the bush to the beach to the inner city

2009-01-28T06:59:00.004+11:00

We had a wonderful week away! Here's some photos while I find time to sort through the rest :)

Us being stupid in the inner city

and just because it's a cool photo

My main big/little man

2009-01-18T09:47:00.002+11:00

The terrorist teen let me take a couple of photos - a rare occurance without bribes.

Sigh he is growing up so very fast....

Rod's tattoo

2009-01-16T07:14:00.003+11:00

Isn't it awesome?? I'm not a huge fan of tattoo's but I adore this one. We both felt with Grace's 10 year anniversary that we wanted "something" to mark the time. Rod chose this, it is pretty close to Grace's actual footprint and is the exact same size.

Me, I still don't know what I want.... I can't tattoo as I develop keloid scars, I already have a birthstone ring for Grace's month and my mothers ring ..... not sure what I want. I am thinking about a magnolia tree for many reasons, I love them, I love that it takes so long to grow - and that it is permanent, a forever type of tree. It will be around and beautiful for a veeeery long time. One of my favourite quotes since losing Grace " I realize as a woman how lucky I am. I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out. It was the most precious moment of my life. " is from Steel Magnolias. So maybe I have decided, I do need to check around and ensure it will grow here. Any other ideas???

Sometimes you should just trust your mothering instinct

2009-01-15T16:59:00.002+11:00

This knife was never a good idea and one I was against from the start. Dad said oh but he needs it for when does army cadets, Zac said oh but I need it - a knife is a tool and not a toy Mum, and should be treated like one.

Then we end up with this.....

oh and well may you ask was the said knife being treated like a tool? Well, unless you would count trying to cut a boucy ball up whilst holding it in your hand and cutting toward your hand as a tool purpose, NO it wasn't. The crafty teen of course sang out for Dad, who says we need to go to hospital and believes the teen says he did it with a pair of scissors. I wait until we are in the car on the way to the hospital before I say "Hey Zac I didn't know we had any scissors that sharp, which ones were you using?" Zac says oh the ones from my room, I say "but they aren't sharp"........... Stony silence.... Mum "So what did you cut yourself with then Zac?" Loooooong pause.................. "A blade" he replies and Mum asks "what was the blade attached too?".................. No answer and Mum loses her cool completely.

It is actually one of those moments I can look back on and say I did go a little too far but when just the week previously I had noticed him with it and said get that in your army pack now or lose it , when I knew, I just knew and had voiced it was a bad idea and let them talk me into it I couldn't hold my cool. I had a hard time at the hospital not laughing as they would both periodically turn to me and look at me so sheepishly and I have learnt I will be listening to that mothering instinct and not giving in again.

These photos are actually 10 days later with the stitches out and looking quite good, thank God!

I do feel sad for him, it's a rotten time to not be able to get your hand wet and to have to take 3 weeks off the job he just started.

Then on Sunday whilst he is at my parents I get a call from Dad that they are just taking him up to emergency. He was bitten by a dog on his other hand! He and his cousin had lost a ball over a neighbours fence and the lady asked them to point to it, Zac stuck his finger through to point and the dog jumped up and bit it. This fence was 5 ft high then had a lattice topping and it was through the latice that Zac pointed. The owner was really quite rude, blamed Zac and said it is a guard dog you know. So now he had another hand that couldn't get wet and was difficult to use. The below photo is the second dressing which is a lot smaller than the first but the finger is quite a mess underneath. So while his stitches on the knife hand are out he has to keep the dressing on for a week and avoid water.

He really isn't having the best ho9lidays :(

17 years

2009-01-11T08:24:00.005+11:00

Just where does time go!

We have been married 17 years today and at the end of this month we will have been together for 20 years. Yes if you're doing your maths I have been with Rod since I was 16 and got married at 19. That sounds scary young now that I have a nearly 15 year old lol and I now have a better understanding of the people who said we would never make it.

I have no regrets - I love this man more with every passing day.

Our marriage hasn't been the bed of roses I hoped for, with the miscarriage, losing Grace and being unable to have more children, our marriage has been to hell and back.

I am just so thankful he has always been at my side.

"Looks like we made it"

I love you Rod and the best is yet to come.

Happy New Year!!

2009-01-04T17:59:00.003+11:00

I have been trying to get on and post an update for awhile but blogger has been a pain. I hope everyone had a fabulous New Year's eve and hope the next year brings all you dream of. I'm not a fan of New Year Resolutions as I feel if I want to make a change I should just do it instead of saving it for the New Year, so no big announcements here.

A new year does make me stop and think about the last one and it was fantastic. Zac is at a great age and we as parents and people (as in Theresa and Rod) are starting to develop a lot more. Zac, himself is showing signs of the man he is becoming and is a delight to us. My start to Uni couldn't have gone any better and I feel very lucky to have had the wonderful lecturers and fellow students I had in my first year. We have such wonderful families and are very blessed to be surrounded by caring, positive friends.

All in all I think we are blessed :)

The end of 2008 also brings the last year in which my Nan was here, I miss her greatly. Time moves so very quickly and it is hard to believe it is nearly a year since she died. Also another year is always another year without Grace. More time between us and her, and moving past a decade now :(, it hurts just to think it.

Onto other news this is my baby off to work! He is working at the local bakery as a kitchen hand and doing a fabulous job of it.

Oh and Zac and his friend on guitar hero, this game rocks!!

Have a great week
Txx

Christmas day photos

2008-12-26T05:55:00.006+11:00

Sleepy Zac at 4.30am

Pretty pleased with his new mobile

Oh cool I didn't know there was another book out

and Zac's HUGE santa sack

Rod, his Mum and sisters

Our gorgeous great niece Zalia

Cutey great nephew Noah

I have so many gorgeous nephews and this is Mark

My Dad

My Mum and my brother

Nephew Liam and Zac

My beautiful niece Jessica

Christmas Eve photos

2008-12-26T05:34:00.004+11:00

My adorable godson Declan

Declan and Latham

Zac helping to spread reindeer food

Santa's been

Merry Christmas

2008-12-24T15:53:00.004+11:00

Merry Christmas from our house to yours!

May your christmas be filled with love and laughter and all your Christmas dreams come true. Thank you for sticking with me through this first year of Uni, I know my post number dropped dramatically but something had to give. I don't have enough words to thank those people who have left comments, emails or lit a candle for Grace in this last week. That I still have a place to share her with people who care about her means the world to me.

love
Txx

Wish you were here

2008-12-23T23:12:00.002+11:00

Hung the tinsel on the tree tonight
Angel and the coloured lights
Just refelections in the tears
My darling wish you were here

If I said a prayer to the Lord above
Would he send me back the one I love
Would he suddenly make you appear
My darling wish you were here...

Melinda Schneider - wish you were here

Merlin the reindeer

2008-12-21T23:39:00.001+11:00

Yes Merlin HATES with a passion anything I put on him at Christmas but I just couldn't resist. It's nearly impossible to get a good shot of him, you should see the dozens of out takes.

Christmas meme

2008-12-19T23:42:00.002+11:00

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
Wrapping paper

2. Real tree or artificial?
Fake and fibre noptic so no fiddling with lights.

3. When do you put up the tree?
December 1st.

4. When do you take the tree down?
january 1st.

5. Do you like eggnog?
Haven't had any in years but did like it then.

6. Favorite gift received as a child?
Barbie bus/campervan.

7. Do you have a nativity scene?
small one.

8. Hardest person to buy for?
Uncle.

9. Easiest person to buy for?
Zac.

10. Worst Christmas gift ever received?
can't think of one

11. Mail or E-mail Christmas card?
Mail.

12. Favorite Christmas movie?
The Santa Clause

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
August

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
probably

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
Pavalova roll

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree?
like them both the same

17. Favorite Christmas song?
So this is Christmas

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
Travel a little

19. Can you name Santa’s reindeer?
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph

20. Do you have an angel on top of the tree or a star?
star

21. Open presents Christmas Eve or Christmas morning?
Zac opens one on Christmas eve, the rest Christmas morning.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year?
That Grace's birthday and death day are so close to it

Sleigh bells ring are you listening..

2008-12-19T01:32:00.002+11:00

Well no sleigh bells ringing but I am in love with my new sleigh bed!! It's just gorgeous and so comfy. I have had to fight Rod to buy a new bed, our bed before we have had for 18 years (with one new mattress) and was a timber sided water bed. I was sick of climbing out of it and not being able to sit on the side, now we are a little hmmm older and back problems are setting in it was time to get a grown up bed. Rod though didn't like the idea that we might need a new bed as we were getting older lol so has resisted me for awhile :) Thankfully I finally convinced him and believe it or not this is still a waterbed but with soft sides so we can sit on the side and get in and out with ease. Love, love love it!!

Zac and his balloon

2008-12-18T20:36:00.002+11:00

Zac was still at school so wasn't able to join us when we released the balloons at Grace's grave, he did ask for his own to release when he got home. It really is all members of a family who miss the extra person who should be here.

10 balloons for a Princess

2008-12-17T18:08:00.001+11:00

Our children change us…whether they live or not. -Lois McMaster Bujold

2008-12-16T21:08:00.004+11:00

Gorgeous flowers with lillies of course.

The sprinkles are cute little ballerina slippers and stars etc

There was a High School Music balloon but I just couldn't do it, so why she may be too old for Disney princesses I just can't see her as that old yet.

Happy 10th birthday our little angel

2008-12-16T00:53:00.006+11:00

So it's after midnight and Grace would be 10 today, (well in about 4 hours) time has gone so fast and so slow. It feels a million years since we last held her in our arms. This day 10 years ago was joyous and I try to hold to that through the tears, even though she was born early we NEVER thought she would die. The Doctors kept reassuring us and saying she was so much better than they ever expected. 2 hours before she died the head of neonatal told us he would be very surprised if she didn't make it, that she was a girl and girls rarely die. Amazing how two short hours can so change your life.............

If you haven't visited Grace's page and would like to you can go here http://www.geocities.com/gracebrianna we would love it if you could sign her guestbook, leave a comment here or light a candle .

Precious In God's Eyes

The lily only last a day but

God creates it anyway.

All that work to make a flower then it's gone,

it had it's hour.

Even though our baby died, she is still precious in God's eyes.

Our child came and made her mark

she changed our life and touched our hearts.

Upon her death, to Heaven she soared

Here for a moment, now with the Lord.

This is one of the first poems I came across after Grace died, it still speaks to me now of how it is so much better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved her at all.

Can't talk...

2008-12-13T06:06:00.006+11:00

Can't talk, I can barely breathe.. all I can think is on Tuesday it's been 10 years, 10 years, 10 years, 10 years, 10 years, 10 years

I miss you

Miss you so bad

I don't forget you

Oh it's so sad

I hope you can hear me

I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away

Was the day i found

It won't be the same

My Personality Type

2008-12-11T22:25:00.001+11:00

The three of us

2008-12-07T06:33:00.002+11:00

This is us on our way out to a 40th last night.

Look at how much taller than me my baby is now :(

You think it will get better

2008-12-05T06:07:00.005+11:00

but it won't but you will learn to live with it. This was a line on a tv show last night and I was struck by just how true it is. Grace dying has not gotten better, not having her here has not gotten any better, the ache for her and the pain has not gotten any better but I have learnt to live with it.

I think it has never struck me more than right now when we are staring down at 10 years since she was in our lives. 10 years on I guess I always thought that while I would never forget her that some of the pain would have eased, it hasn't. What I do now is something I could never have understood 10, 9, 6, 4 years ago, now I just can't allow myself to think about her for too long. It is just so so so very painful. I truly have to pick a time now that I allow myself to remember her or I just don't think I would be able to go on.

3 weeks after Grace died we attended a wedding, one of the guests found me outside crying and sat with me and told me all about her baby boy who was born still 9 years earlier. As it always is, it was such a relief to talk to someone else who is on this path. I couldn't help though to feel shocked at what she was saying. She told me that 9 years later she had to choose her time to look at the photos of her son and that she rarely visited the cemetery. It was clear through her words that not a day had passed when she hadn't thought of her son and she was the first one to warn me that there would always be a part of me missing from now on (which is so very true). At the time though I couldn't believe that not looking at photos would help, in those early days Grace's photos always helped me, they helped make her real to me. Visiting the cemetery was an every second day event and was so very comforting to me. The idea of not doing these things seemed alien.

Now here we are 10 years on and I now completely understand what she was saying. It is in order to live life that times need to be chosen or "right" to do these things that once brought so much comfort. When I first felt like this I wondered if it was merely avoidance but now I know it's what I have to do to live life. The pain has not gotten easier and without allowing myself to choose times I honestly don't think I could make it through.

Like the wise bereaved mother I spoke too it does not in anyway mean I don't think of Grace daily and that she is not forever missed. This part of my grief journey is far more about how grief has to fit in to allow me to live, because without this stage of the journey I don't think I could go on.

I love you and miss you Gracie...

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas...

2008-12-03T06:58:00.002+11:00

You can run but you can't hide

2008-12-02T07:58:00.003+11:00

I've been doing my best to not think about Grace's approaching 10th birthday, not something I've tried before but every year and every feeling that comes with it is different. After just trying to leave a comment on a dear friends blog this is the word verification Ii had to use. It really does look like a case of you can run but you just can't hide.

When you think they aren't listening

2008-12-01T06:51:00.004+11:00

sometimes they actually are....

As with most people I think if I could have known something in high school I wish I had of known that in the big picture of life, popularity and the daily issues of high school mean very little. I wish I had stopped for longer and enjoyed those days of less responsibility and not been in such a rush to grow up.

Like many parents before me I often talk to Zac about how high school is just a small amount of time in your life and that popularity means nothing. I always felt he reacted in the way I would have at his age and wasn't really taking in Mum's reflection on the good ole days.

Until recently when I overheard him talking to a friend going through a hard time. I heard wondrous reassurances that high school is just a period in life. That those who think they are the coolest often end up the biggest losers and the geeks end up the millionaires. When this friend asked what happened to people like her that were a little different my gorgeous son responded that he had just seen a program of a girl just like her that ended up famous and with her own tattoo shop (GO Kat Von D!!).

I couldn't help but walk away and think yes, my son at times you do listen....

2008-11-26T08:03:00.001+11:00

What they don't tell you....

2008-11-15T07:04:00.004+11:00

Yeah I have now completed my first year of Uni!!

How exciting is that?? This time last year I was pretty convinced I wouldn't even get in :) I really have enjoyed this year but it so so so nice to be finished! It's a weird feeling to not have some foreign concept running through my head continually but man it's nice!

So I disappeared for awhile and now I'm back I'm going to moan - sorry about that.

I want to vent about what they don't tell you about raising a teenager. I definitely didn't expect it to be a bed of roses but I expected to be dealing with different issues. I thought it would be the big stuff, smoking, drinking, peer pressure, running away from home and on and on. I didn't understand that an alien invaded and your child can at times be someone you don't recognise at all.

This is way more mentally draining than I ever imagined. It's the 2 year old tantrums without the ability to just pick them up and throw them under your arm and now you also have included the power of words and body language. These aliens only see black and white and the black and white is their version, parents know NOTHING. They will argue their point until they are blue in the face and you are red from frustration. One of the interesting things is their point of view doesn't need evidence to support it, - oh no - you can give a truck load of contradictions but they mean nothing as they aren't the aliens view.

You know I do get it, they are finding their place in the world they are completly egocentric and they need to be to learn how to be independent adults. What I wasn't expecting is that this is about everything! From brushing your teeth to daily jobs to the big issues and back to the micro issues. They will fight you on everything. It has never been more important to pick your battles as otherwise you would be continually red from frustration. You just cannot reason with this form of alien.

The next thing that I didn't expect was the frequency of mood swings, don't think just because you are dealing with a boy alien that you get off scot free - YOU DON'T. You have no warning of the next mood swing, you can be having a really great time talking and laughing and BANG they swap moods and everything is lame or gay (the gay word is a whole different post - it is banned in our house from being used in this context but for teen boys it seems the worst thing you can call something) The alien can go to their room in a great mood and come back out as surly narcissistic monster and somehow you're meant to just sense this as god help you if you say the wrong thing.

Then you come to the mono-syllabic conversations, there is a video on you tube that shows teens going yup - nup - whatever - good etc but I don't think that even quite covers it. You would think in one word answers that not a lot of emotion could be added to them but man there is. Mainly the tone is a snarky just stop asking me questions one but at times it's just plain nasty add to that the dead pan face and you know you're in trouble until the next mood swing.

There are still good moments and I don't like stereo-typing teens - maybe someone out there struck it lucky and has a reasonable one :) But this is what I wished I had known. It is an hourly battle and it is far more mentally draining than any other stage we have been through this far. Think toilet training or tantrums were tough - wait for the teen years.

My song choice is probably a little mean but MAN some days it fits :)

more..

2008-10-22T22:41:00.002+11:00

More photos from the other night, you need to click on them to see them larger. I love the first one of Merlin and Zac, if you look closely you can see they both have a foot up ready to march into the water :)

Emo Zac

2008-10-19T12:02:00.004+11:00

Zac and his friends dressed as Emos for the Halloween for the school social. He looked awesome and had a great night especially as not many recognised him! I think he's make a pretty Emo :)

Our evening on the Port Sorell beach

2008-10-18T22:58:00.001+11:00

Click to view the larger version

Up, up and away and back again

2008-10-01T06:50:00.003+10:00

Lucky Zac got to go to Queensland to my sister's a couple of weeks ago. Ah huh can you believe it? I let my baby leave me for 10 whole days!! Actually the only part that had me worried was his plane trip. He has never been on a plane before and it was nerve wracking to say the least. It was a direct flight so no worries over changing planes and he survived and loved it!

So if you know me you know I am awful anytime he leaves me but this time was very different. I am very very lucky to have a sister who loves Zac nearly as much as I do and is a very similar in mothering to me. I didn't have a worry in the world knowing Zac was there with her, and honestly she worried soooo much about him I didn't need to :).

Rod and I had a fabulous, peaceful relaxing time without him. I can't even begin to explain just how nice and recharging it was. I missed him of course, but have to say Rod missed him more than me (for once!), I was just very relaxed with where he was, who he was with and what he was doing. Rod and I got to sleep in, stay up way late, drink too much champagne, spend ages in the spa, eat what we wanted when we wanted and watch whatever we wanted on TV. Once I cleaned the house it stayed clean, the grocery bill was sooo small and even included what are luxuries to us like magazines and ice-creams. And man would you believe it WE got to eat the ice-creams and not just find the empty box in the freezer :) We finally got to remember just what we did before Zac, apart from not much lol it is very special to have got some couple time. I have often wondered when it came time for Zac to leave would we be ok alone together again. I now know that while I don't want it to be anytime soon it will be awesome!!!

The funps lasted a week and then the wanting my boy back kicked back in and I couldn't wait to have him home. He had an awesome time and was in awe of the skyscrapers, traffic and everything about life in a big city. He went to Dreamworld, to the city, on some harbour cruise, to an amusement arcade and off to laser tag. I have to admit to tears of happiness listening to him talk about Dreamworld, it was so nice for him to be able to experience those things.

A huge huge thank you to my sister for taking such wonderful care of my boy and for always loving him. Also huge thanks to my first baby boy Luke who took Zac to all these places and made Zac's time so amazing. Luke does tell me though he doesn't need thanks as it was pretty cool for him too :)

Zac looking so cute and more than a little scared on the tower of terror.

and home again safe and sound

ps if you don't love this song you're too old!! and hey I was 17 in 1989 .......

Do Babies Grow Up in Heaven?

2008-09-15T22:42:00.000+10:00

Do Babies Grow Up in Heaven?
by Unknown

Will I know my baby when we meet again?
Will he have grown up, not be the infant that died in my arms?
Will I recognize him, be able to find him among so many others?
Or will he be a stranger to me, not knowing who I am,
or me knowing him?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
He never got his first tooth, or said his first words.
No first shoes, no Santa, no first birthday cake.
Will my son still be a baby when we meet again?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
Who sings him precious lullabies?
Who holds him close and kisses him everyday?
Who tells him constantly that they love him?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
When we next meet, will he know me?
Will he want to know me?
Will he be my son who died at three months, or a man, fully grown?
Will I have the joy of being a mother to my son for all eternity?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
Will I be able to hold him, love him, sing lullabies to him?
Will I be able to hold his tiny hand, or will it be a man's hand?
Will I ever have the joy that only holding my son can bring?
I need to know! In heaven, is my baby still a baby?

Oh Dear

2008-09-05T08:34:00.002+10:00

One post in August is quite pathetic isn't it? Sorry about that. I am working on my last essay for the year! Can you hear the cheering from there?? I did end up dropping the other subject so while it's painful I'll have to make it up later, I feel much better about it all. I know that after I complete the first semester of the subject next year I will be able to understand the 2nd semester far more easily.

We are all good and hopefully the above photo gives a hint as to what I'm doing instead of blogging when I'm not studying ;)

Have a great week/month
Txx

Dum de dum dum dum

2008-08-09T01:00:00.003+10:00

Please tell me I'm not the only one still awake waiting for the Australian Olympic team? They have said it's just a few countries away but meh! I thought the tv guide said it would be ages ago. Stubborn pig headed person I am means I can't possibly leave the TV until I see them :) Kind of like the night I had to stay up to watch the world cup and fell asleep 15 minutes after it's 3am start. All these once in a lifetime events that I just can't miss :)

Sorry again, (actually delete the sorry as I will be apologising for the rest of my academic career) but I just don't get the time I would like to update here anymore. This semester hasn't got off to the best start and shock horror I am already behind! The winter lurgies have struck and I haven't had the brain power to absorb all I need to. I have an essay due in 6 days and I have only done the notes! Not too shocking for some I know but for me I usually am finished by now
:( I also am struggling with a subject I picked up that is the (b) part. They assured me it was ok I hadn't done the (a) yet but I find they are referring to the what was taught last semester all the time but not going into any detail about it. I have read and reread the readings and still feel like I am missing some point or other.

Oh wohoo the Australian team just came out :) Always a warm fuzzy feeling isn't it! I actually like the blue uniforms, very cool.

I'm going now to watch

Aussie Aussie Aussie
Oi Oi Oi

Why I love BB UK

2008-07-23T22:25:00.001+10:00

I promised I would find this for my sister and thought I would share it here to show why I love Big Brother UK. You can call me sadistic but I laughed until I cried over this task!

and another one begins

2008-07-23T21:40:00.004+10:00

I got my final results for last semester and finished with a Distinction and a High Distinction. I am over the moon about it :) I know I totally fluffed a question in one of the exams, so am delighted with my results.

I have thoroughly enjoyed my time off and didn't realise until I stopped just how drained I was. It has been a great break and I have now vowed to take the foot off the pedal a little next semester. I know it probably will mean a drop in results but the brain drain and feeling like my home life were suffering have made me prioritise the totality of my life. I will still try my best but spend a bit less time doing so :) Hopefully at the end of this next semester it should lead to a happier more balanced me.

I'm a little sad at the end of Big Brother Australia, maybe surprisingly but I feel it really does need a little break. I will miss it terribly next year but hope and really do believe it will come back bigger and better the next year. This year's end result was very disappointing. While I really didn't like any of the finalists I disliked Terri the most in the end. Watching live stream in the last couple of weeks showed that this lady was at times just plain nasty, something the producers didn't show on the daily show. Her rants at Travis, her sabotaging of Alice's dancing with oil on her mat and her curses on other people were disturbing. Her curses could rival Brigitte's I hope such and such dies as Terri quite often said the bad things that happened to some people she knew like death and illness were deserved. At the end of the day I think someone who doesn't talk to their Mother, some siblings, neighbours, ex-colleagues and former friends shows quite clearly that perhaps they are the common denominator. Perhaps too the fact Rory ended up with 200 000 and Terri just 50 000 from former housemates should say something. Anyway it's over now and yeah for her she won.

I enjoyed the finale but didn't cry as I expected to, the only tears I had were when Rory's Mum greeted him. I (of course) LOVE a boy that loves his Mum :). I thought the section with previous winners was too short and :P to Ben for thinking appearing would harm his image! He only has an image because of BB. I loved seeing Ollie but missed the walk from the house meeting the housemates along the way. I still am an old fashioned BB fan and believe the winner should be the last housemate in the house and should be evicted as such. The montage at the end was good, the moments of Reggie saying I don't want to go back to my life and Peter (02)'s brother running through the house always bring a lump to my throat. Love it or hate it BB changed the face of reality television and addressed many issues that had been previously ignored, while I still have BB UK to watch I will miss it until it comes back.

Hope everyone in blogland is well!

Have a great week
Txx

No longer beating my head against a brick wall

2008-07-17T08:03:00.003+10:00

I've realised lately that I have just stopped trying to be understood and I'm unsure how I feel about it. I was reading a post from a mother who ordered a birthday cake for her deceased child and how hurt she was by the bakery's reaction. I automatically thought I just wouldn't have told them she was dead. I then stopped myself and wondered how could I think that, what happened to the person who wanted to educate as many others as possible that it is ok to continually miss and remember a deceased child. I think it comes down I'm sick of hitting my head against a brick wall.

I have previously said I am not comfortable with the birthday cake for Grace's birthday. It's a personal preference, Rod likes it and that's fine, I love that that is how he wants to remember and he is comfortable to do it without me. To me it just seems a slap in the face of what I should be doing with Grace. This issue though is more than just the cake. I seem to have become complacent or is it that I am just sick of being hurt so don't put myself in a position to be anymore. I'm dismayed that I would avoid talking about her to save myself when truthfully I love the rare moments in life I do get to talk about her now days.

I'm not pleased, relieved or happy about it. I feel very sad but maybe it is just what I need to do now to survive.

Happy Sunday Morning!

2008-07-13T09:51:00.005+10:00

Happy Sunday :) I'm entering into my last week of holidays :(, seems to have gone fast and I have really enjoyed taking some time off. Books and study guides have been arriving constantly so I guess it's about time to get back to it. My results will be released on Wednesday, by sms no less lol. The world it is certainly a changing.

I have been feeding my addiction to BB in this time off and am sucked into Big Brother UK. Our housemates have nothing on these people lol. They bitch and moan more than I have ever heard and the housemates themselves are a mismatch lot ranging from the wannabe politican to the crazy Thai girl addicted to cookies. I just love it!!

Our BB is winding down and becoming it's predictable boring self. I didn't love Brigitte but I didn't hate her and am very shocked she has gone, she was one of the most entertaining housemates this year and deserved to be in the final 3 at least. But again we are stuck with the boring and unentertaining males of Rory, Ben and Cherry. Alice is a nice girl but a very boring housemate. Trav I love but he has worn thin and it feels like he just needs a good dose of reality. So I guess that leaves me wanting Terri to win! I did enjoy the Pam Andersen visit and I was shocked and shouldn't have been at just how normal she is. It's great to hear her talk about cutting her boys lunches and being a lollipop lady :)

I have added pics of the teen as the "first shave" is another momentual moment :( He is off on another army survival camp this weekend and it has been pouring, so I'm sure he will be exhausted and in a great mood.... I am finally enjoying the time he is away, I worry but mainly I enjoy it :)

Have a great week
Txx

More aerial shots....

2008-07-11T22:20:00.001+10:00

For Bees :)

The two red circles show where my house is (green roof)

and her old house before she decided to up and leave me :P (blue roof)

and one of the gorgeous beaches near us.

Helllllllo

2008-07-06T07:47:00.006+10:00

A bird's eye view of my house :)

Hi everyone! That's if there is anyone still reading :) Sorry I disappeared for a little while, I had exams just over a week ago and have been taking a break since. Exams went pretty well, I sort of froze in the first one but got started ok eventually. The second one went really well.

It is so nice to have some time off! I am enjoying not having to be thinking constantly about new concepts etc. So far I haven't done anything amazing and don't really plan to, I am just enjoying being a wife and a Mum.

Rod took the photo above when he went for his flying lesson on Friday. It was one of his 40th birthday presents and he loved it!

Here's my two gorgeous boys doing the wrestle thing boys must do :)

Zac has been good. Had ups and downs and a girlfriend and now not a girlfriend and the heartache that goes with all that. He also had his first shave on Friday :( Makes me very sad he is growing so fast!! He is going well at school and is a pleasure to have around 99% of the time.

Well blogger is being a huge pain today so I will see if I can get this published and will post more later.

Have a great week

Txx

Wohoooo!

2008-06-05T14:58:00.000+10:00

YEAH

I got both my term papers back yesterday and got High Distinctions on both!!! That means I go into both exams with a pass mark already :)

I can't believe it!!!

Happy Sunday

2008-06-01T15:26:00.003+10:00

This is a pretty apt picture of me at the moment lol. Here we are at week 13 already and I'm trying to squeeze so much information into my brain. It's revision week and man I had forgotten how hard it is to pick what to revise. I can't believe semster 1 is all but over, it has gone so so fast! I still love Uni and can't believe how much it is changing me. Just in the ways I think about things, one of my besties is already about to disown me for my "new" views lol.

I do have to comment on generation Y though because honestly they have astounded me. Most of the students I chat with are off campus- mature age like me but occasionaly a demanding younger person pops up. They expect EVERYTHING handed to them on a plate. They ask the most ridiculous questions, really stupid ones that are written in the unit guide they have, discussed in the lecture and are posted on the same forum they are reading. 3 ways the unit chair gives them the information but STILL they have to ask. Never nicely either I must add. Just a gimme gimme attitude.

The ones who come on to beg for an extension AFTER the due date crack me up too and the my brothers cousins dog ate it version is mild in comparison lol. I would never be able to be a unit chair, no way in the world I would have the patience to answer the same question over and over and over again.

It has definitely made me look at my parenting style and to work even harder at making Zac comprehend information and look for things himself.

--ooOoo--

Georgie and Scrivvy I loved your replies to the music meme!! and Georgie I think your taste in music rocks!!!!!

Have a great week

Txx

Killer Possums

2008-05-25T22:03:00.003+10:00

Zac's supposedly doing a hulk impression here :)

He has been gone the last two weekend on army cadets camps. Last weekend was adventure training, including white-water rafting, caving and canoeing. I was nervous, actually terrified but I survived it!! As of course did he and he had a wonderful time.

This weekend was a state meet up with trying to capture the other camp's flags. His company didn't capture any flags but managed to defend theirs. Pretty incredible considering his company had 30 members, company A had 120 and company B 90. Company A and B teamed up together and Zac's company still managed to protect their flag. He had sentry duty from 2.30am until 5am and apparently was stalked by a killer possum lol. "But Mum he ran along the ground near me and sat up in the tree watching me! They're killers Mum!" Ahhh I love that kid :) I was perfectly fine this weekend, only really worried about him being cold. I'll always worry, it truly is a case of once bitten twice shy but I do think I'm getting a little better at it.

It's been verrrry cold in Tassie land this week. One day this week it was actually warming in Antartica than on the East Coast of Tassie brrrrrr.

I have one week of lectures left and then it's exam time. Both of my exams have been set on the same day! I haven't had to hand write in sooo long I think I'm going to have to get some training in! I have been worried about exams, but have realised all I can do is my best so what ever will be will be.

---oooOooo---

Here's a me-me I really liked, Songs for a movie of your life. I love love music so this one was fun.

I will tag Trudi, Scrivvy, Georgie, Emma-Kate and Kate

Opening credits: Big girls don't cry - Fergie

Waking up: It's a beautiful day - U2

Average day: Strong - Robbie Williams

First date: Kiss Me - Sixpence none the richer

Falling in love: Two Strong Hearts - John Farnham

Love Scene: I'll be the greatest fan of your life - Goo Goo Dolls

Fight Scene: I'm Not Ready to make nice - Dixie Chicks

Breaking up: It must have been love - Roxette

Getting back together: Let's Be Us Again - Lonestar

Secret love: Follow Me - Uncle Kracker

Life’s ok: Unanswered prayers - Garth Brooks

Mental Breakdown: Unwell -Matchbox 20

Driving: Summer Rain - Belinda Carlisle

Learning a lesson: So Hard - Dixie Chicks

Deep thought: Fields of Gold Sting

Flashback: Shot through the heart - Bon Jovi

Partying: You Shook me all night long - ACDC

Happy Dance: Summer of 69 - Bryan Adams

Regretting: Heart of the matter - Don Henley

Long night alone: Nobody knows - The Tony Richie Project

Death Scene: I'll love you to the end - The Pogues

Closing Credits: Where you will go - The Calling

Hope everyone is keeping warm - have a great week!!
Tx

and then there are moments

2008-05-15T08:16:00.003+10:00

that take your breath away...

I found this last night in the teen terrorists school book. (sic)

A real life local hero

Name: Theasera

My Mum's 160cm hair collour is she is curntry in uni and studies athpolas.

My Mum's my hero because she makes me do stuff and pushes me to do my best.

example of my mum being a hero is when my sister died she was sad and stuff the she helped people with grief.

I cried!! I am so lucky to have such an amazing young man as my son :)

Apparently the spelling is bad as they were note points for a speech. I would love to have heard that :)

Pressies!

2008-05-12T15:31:00.004+10:00

Here are the gorgeous presents my boys gave me. The massage mat is pure heaven!! Zac organised the flowers, picked out colours and the box as he tells it all Dad had to do was pay for it :) He was so excited when they were delivered, and I have to admit so was I. My first flowers from Zac and he eveb included Grace. He is such an amazing boy and I am so lucky to be his Mum. He keep saying to me all day "Thank you for having me Mum". I tried to tell him I was the lucky one in having him but he wouldn't hear it lol.

I feel a bit brighter today, I very rarely express my bitter jealous feelings as I hate them, but they are what they are. This blog is meant to be my life so the good and the bad belongs.

Below is my Nanna's plaque and the Nanna bear I took out to her, I miss her. I still haven't taken her name out of my phone, just can't do it. The cage is there as the wildlife eats everything at the cemetery. It is the same one as Grace, Nanna is just over the hill from her.

Hope every mother got spoilt, there is no greater job!

It's all about T

20 years - wow

Myths on the death of a child-very well written

Myths on the death of a child-very well written

Our New Years Eve

Grief the insidious monster

Our Deck

So this is Christmas 2011

A Little Catch Up

Grace's 13 balloons

Grief is not a sign of weakness -- it's the price of love.

Happy 13th Birthday our Princess Grace

Private settings grrr

Dammit I have two children

It's not how it's meant to be..

Madly pedaling to stay on top

A Grace Day

My Mother's Day

When A Baby Dies

Happy Mother's Day

Where I'm at...

Anzac Day

Breath freely sweet Eva

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return - in memory of Eva, the world is less without you in it.

Holiday shots- better late than never

Our holiday

Remember when...

Let them be little

I love this.....

Collage of Christmas 2009

Trying to get a family photo...

Happy New Year!!!

Photo Overkill - Our Christmas Day

Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas

Remembrance, like a candle, burns brightest at Christmastime. --Charles Dickens

He never fails to amaze me

Zac, Hannah & me

Our stupendous news - our amazing child

Too many

Hannah Montannah!!

Happy 11th Birthday Grace Brianna

Sebastian Pigott - Alien Like You

3 days

So this is Christmas...

On the road to recovery

So so so proud of our boy!

Coldplay - Fix You

Hug your children today

Happy Saturday morning!!!!

The Anthropology Song: A little bit Anthropologist

School's out!!

The Bereaved Mother

Hmmmmm a little too long

A pair of shoes....

25 Random Things

From the bush to the beach to the inner city

My main big/little man

Rod's tattoo

Sometimes you should just trust your mothering instinct

17 years

Happy New Year!!

Christmas day photos

Christmas Eve photos

Merry Christmas

Wish you were here

Merlin the reindeer

Christmas meme

Sleigh bells ring are you listening..

Zac and his balloon

10 balloons for a Princess

Our children change us…whether they live or not. -Lois McMaster Bujold

Happy 10th birthday our little angel

Can't talk...

My Personality Type

The three of us

You think it will get better

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas...

You can run but you can't hide

When you think they aren't listening

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to
love and be loved in return - in memory of Eva, the world is less without you in it.