Madly pedaling to stay on top

I have so many emotions going through me right now I don't know how much longer I can stay afloat.


I know that many other parents are watching their children graduate and are fine with it, I am fine with it but I never expected how much it would make my heart smile and ache at the same time. I really am completely hopeless at the thought of Zac growing up, I want to keep him at this age forever. That's not really true I do want him to go out in the world and experience everything life has to offer but just WHY does it seem to happen so damn fast. He has 3 official school days left and my heart aches. I guess very few of us like change and this is just another stage I have to pull myself through even if it is kicking and screaming. I know every Mother has the most amazing child, Zac too is something very special and I am constantly amazed at the caring gentle but very deep young man he is becoming. He has had the most amazing year, worked really hard to achieve grades that will enable him to do anything he wants to do, has taken his role of school captain so very seriously and done an an amazing job. He has been nominated for an award which he will receive this week and I am so so happy that his hard work will be recognised. I just hate the idea that one day soon he will have to move away to study, I will miss him so so much. I love the chats we have after school every day, how when he walks through the door he wants to share all that has happened. I truly have an amazing child and I feel blessed in so many ways.

Then the other part of me wants to scream but Grace should be starting High School, we shouldn't be finished with high school just yet. Zac officially graduates on Grace's 12th birthday. I want to keep this time all about Zac but it seems to be having a snowball effect and all my emotions are mixed and rolled together. This time of the year is always hard, and I'm sure once again it will be proven that the leadup is far worse than the actual days. Then again I've never had such an important time for Zac fall on her days. There is a part of me that finds it nice in a way- kind of like she is included in this important time for our family. The pain really doesn't ever get any better but the time in between feeling the pain does increase. Thoughts of her, memories of her kciking and blowing bubbles and unfortunately the memories of her death still have the power to knock me off my feet and take my breath away. The enormity of our loss never diminishes, it grows with each year and all she should be accomplishing that year. I still ache for all the should have beens....